Creating Healthy Boundaries In Relationships

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.  – Brené Brown

This is going to be interesting 🙂 possibly the people pleasers might feel a bit offended but the reason why I am writing this blog is help all of you connect with your personal truth. Boundaries sound like a resistance in relationships but as a relationship consultant and energy healer I have learned how important it is to define our boundaries for personal happiness and growth.

Boundaries differentiate you as a person from others because of your uniqueness as an individual. Your individuality is your personal truth , your identity which defines your like, dislikes , preferences and create a sense of self. So today Sargam is different from ABC not only because of the way she looks but also because of her individuality…same applies to you.

However as soon as you get in a relationship specially love relationships you try to fit in to the expectations of your self. Expectations of your family, society, friends and the list is quite long……You do this to feel valued , to be loved, to be accepted and you easily cross your own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual boundaries in order to be accepted as a good wife, daughter in law, mother….

So for example 1st day of the marriage  and you are expected to dress a certain way and sit among relatives when you are dying to catch some sleep. You compromise on your emotional boundaries and give in to the expectations….then the next some more….a week later some more compromises and then after 10 years of marriage you realise that you are UNHAPPY some of us are  Totally burned out  and just want to give up pretending any more and they do but then there are some who accept this way of life and continue to pretend all is good.

I get to talk to both kind of people the one who have given up on a relationship because it was too much of pain and hurt and violation of personal boundaries and also those who continue in the sad marriage and need to reconnect with their personal boundaries to find happiness, self love in life.

Most of the relationship problem happen because we are not conditioned to speak about our personal boundaries , our likes , dislikes , emotional needs, physical desires, aspirations…. instead we want people to either guess them for us or we expect that they will also sacrifice their likes , dislikes, emotional needs , physical desires for us… you must have heard the C word COMPROMISE in relationships.  This is what some of your elders would have told you time and again just give yourself for love, marriage , your partner …. but trust me it does not work for long. This is one of the major reasons of a physical condition arthritis in men and women , the suppressed emotions locks up their joints. With pent up solar plexus and small heart chakra (the major energy centres in human anatomy) , diabetes, blood pressure, heart disease become the expression of the pain and suffering you have accumulated by being numb to your own emotions.

Relationships should never survive on pulling people out of their personal boundaries

You do not have good personal boundaries if :

1. You are unable to say NO
2. You feel Guilty after doing something
3. When you feel you are acting against your integrity
4. You are unable to communicate how you feel
5. You are unable to check people if they violate your personal boundaries
6. Emotionally you feel unhappy

If you have been constantly engaging in the above behaviour you have personally violated your own personal boundaries. This is a sign of lack of self love and though I have been blowing the horn of self love in all my workshops it is very important to understand it.

YOU CANNOT GIVE OTHERS WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE

So if feel you can love others when you are constantly out of alignment with your joy, happiness, purpose in life .. you are telling a lie to yourself. If you think you can love people when you do not love your self ….. you can never be in a healthy , happy , nurturing relationship. You cannot pour from an empty cup my friend

Love is about filling your cup and then overflowing to fill others.I know it sounds harsh but this is the TRUTH.

To be able to enjoy your life, to be able to live an extraordinary intense life.. you need to connect with your internal GPS you have to connect with your emotions and feelings. You have to be aligned with your personal truth. Only you can know your boundaries as no one else can feel on your behalf.  No one can also teach you about creating personal boundaries.

Knowing others is intelligence, knowing yourself is true wisdom

How Do I Create My Personal Boundaries?

1. It is a simple exercise but you will have to practise it every day to be able to discover your personal boundaries. Create a journal about things you really love and  things that upset you try to derive your boundaries based on it.
2. Sit comfortably and as you reflect on your day identify the situations where you did not feel happy. Then ask yourself what was upsetting about the situation , write it down and then ask yourself what is the boundary that was violated? make a note of it. So for example somebody in office made a lewd remark and it was uncomfortable but others just laughed and moved on with their work. Just understand why were you hurt with this situation and what can you do to feel better. May be you feel you can tell the person it was not comfortable or may be just not participate in such gatherings. It is upto you.
3. Practise honouring your feeling and emotions and communicate them with love and kindness
4. Be conscious about how you feel in different situations to understand your own needs and desires
5. Make Self love a conscious choice you can read my blog on Self Love
6. Practise being Authentic, do not fake your emotions and feeling once you get in this trap of faking there is no escape

Boundaries are created to create more loving and meaningful relationships do not use them to resist people and situation because resistance is an out of alignment behaviour.

Also remember your boundaries will evolve with time so be flexible based on your relationships and your own self ascension. When you will become more and more in tune and aware of your boundaries you will start honouring the boundaries of others because you will understand how valuable it is to maintain healthy boundaries. So you may start  out by feeling separate in the beginning but gradually you will understand that the ego evolves but discovering self happiness, self joy and self love and then it becomes appreciative as it understands everything is actually an expression of the source and hence is able to appreciate the oneness aspect.

If you like the blog post a comment and leave your email I will share my new Opening the Heart Centre Visualisation with you – Anahata Blossom

So as a mother my boundaries have expanded to include my child’s happiness but this is in alignment with my happiness. This is a mutual win win in any relationship. Allowing children to define their boundaries is one of the most empowering gift you can give them. So stop invalidating their fears, their insecurities instead hear them out and tell them you understand.

Samaira evaluating my notes on today’s blog 🙂

Love and Light

Sargam